Do you even lift?

Hello readers,

So, in accordance with my new year resolutions, I've been ATTEMPTING to inspire and motivate myself to go work out. I'm not going to lie, after the last gym session there was an absence of two days before I got up and went outdoors again. Bad! I need to build up the habit of going so it is no longer a chore.

Anyway, I'll fill you in on some of the wierd and wonderful things that I encounter at the gym. Perhaps it will give you a little sympathy and understanding as to why I drag my feet.

Today I went to the gym (party poppers explode). This is celebration in itself, it had been two days since I'd gone aaaaaand I may have eaten some sneaky chocolate last night (It was a ferrero rocher, how could I say no!?). I had incentive to go to the gym today because someone purchased one of my ebay items, thus the trip to the post office next the to gym was inevitable.

The ritual begins with putting on my very very dashing gym outfit. Back when I was working and earning a buck or two I splurged on two matching colourful outfits. Best decision I ever made. So I alternate between ditsy hot pink singlet with matching black and pink trim shorts and baby blue. Go cliches! My favourite thing about gyming overall, is that I get to wear my shorts that say 'Adidas' across my butt. When I first saw them in the store I could bearly resist my delight in finding pants that practically say, "Adi-dat ass". Not quite, but if you squint a little.

So why do you whinge about the gym then? You have nice gear and it's local? Quit your whinin' . Well, I'm a sook. When I walk to the gym I am often confronted. I'm okay with trucks honking and seedy men leering down at me from their seats. That's the norm. But I'm not okay with being screamed at! Once when passing one of the classy couples of my local suburb (sarcasm), the man turned and screamed for no apparent reason at me. Not going to lie, I jumped a mile high and went home to change my pants. I'm just not cut out for the sponteneity of this neighbourhood apparently.
Eventually after surviving these challenges, I approach the entrance to the gym. It's one of those fancy swipe card set ups because my gym is open 24/7. Sounds great only there's one problem, it's not idiot proof. It's happened twice now that after I've carefully acklowedged that the door is indeed a pull, not a push, that I've swiped my card and gone to make my big entrance only to be face-pancaked by the unbudging door. The embarassing thing is, I'll do it twice in a row with someone waiting to get in behind me. The little green light flashes taunting me, "I'm open, why don't you try to come in?" but it just doesn't play the game. APPARENTLY, you have to let the little green light finish flashing and give the door a second or two to unlock BEFORE you attempt to enter. Whatever.

At last I'm finally in the gym! Take a deep breath for the challenge awaiting me. Or not, because the air stinks of sweat being recycled through the air conditioning. Delicious! One thing I noticed when I first went to the gym was this strange ettiqutte rule. For whatever reason, only men used the upstairs weights area and all women used the generic cardio machines. This seemed odd, didn't they want to get sexy guns too? There's only so long I can run on a treadmill looking at the sign in front of me reading, "Sweat is good. But not when it isn't yours. Clean up after using the machines". So once I made the fatal mistake of venturing up to this secret level.

I've come to call this THE WALK. For some reason unknown to me, as you walk through the weights area every person will blatantly eyeball you causing intense uncomfortableness. I experienced this once during peak hour and now know better. Only enter weights area when theres barely anyone in the gym. Not only is it too packed to use a machine or to have room to do dumbells. It's just not worth the awkies.

Luckily today at midday, the gym was pretty dead so I went on up to use some machines. My favourite machine is a leg press where you sit upright and push a metal plate with your feet to lift the weights. It claims it will tighten and tone the backs of my thighs. Oh yeah boy! There's only one problem, it is THE MOST AWKWARD MACHINE INVENTED. I sit there crunched up with my knees under my armpits and my legs un-ladylikely wide apart and proceed to reverse thrust. To make matters worse, the gym decided to place a workout machine directly across from this one, so that when someone else is working out they have to avoid making eye contact with my thrusting awkward stance. There must be a universal rule against making eye contact while lifting weights because everyone at my gym walks around with their heads down.

After busting my ass I walk back downstairs to finish off with a warm down jog and line up next to some other girl who'se been working out for the same time I have. Or has she? Somehow everyone else in my gym don't sweat, smell or look a hair out of place. Come on! I sweat more than the fat guy working out!? What is this, a joke? So while I walk out of the gym with a delightful hitler fringe plastered to my forehead and delicious back sweat, everyone else looks like they've barely lifted a finger. Cruel world.

Frankly, my favourite part of going to the gym is the walk home. Your arms feel like lead and your legs like spagghetti and you wobble your way down the street listening to Eminem feeling like a champion. That is unless the local drunk decides to yell at you while you walk past. Third world problems.

Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me? Sometimes I think the world is playing a big joke on me like that movie The Truman Show. Urgh.

Until next time!