English Homework

14th February: R.A.O.U : Location: Melanie's Room

This is my english homework - I don't expect you to read it. Its just for whoever is interested.


Unco-ordinated Intentions

◙ When a girl turns thirteen, her world turns upside down. Her body will warp, bulge and stretch in ways similar to how play doh looks after a good squeeze in the middle. As you can imagine, this foreign awkward body means everything she used to do, is suddenly really hard. In a sense women revert back to the childlike ways where locomotion was a choice of; falling on your butt or your face. The options when eating aren’t much prettier; I find food has a determination of its own to end up everywhere but the intended destination.

Now this may not seem like such a large issue in itself, but imagine having that sort of co-ordination as a socializing hungry thirteen year old. Embarrassing, I know, because that was, (and still is) me. As power hungry teenagers we show off to try and capture the attention of our male prey. This results in the cruel female version of karma, R.A.O.U (Random. Acts. Of. Unco-ness).

It more often than not strikes in the most random of places and at the worst of times. Once, I was with my family at Garden City shops before meeting my guy friends, when it struck. We were innocently having ice cream and hot dogs from Wendy’s (our family tradition) when my ice-cream got a little too frisky for my liking. The ice cream leapt from my spoon and plummeted down my shirt. Think, wet bra and sticky boobs. As discreetly as possible I did try to remove the ice cream, however it left a wet patch down the front of my shirt. Try explaining that to six guys without them keeling over in mirth.

That’s just one example, how about falling over at Ice Skating. Yes, I hear you, of course you fell over at ice-skating, it’s slippery! However this particular day was different! I had been skating perfectly on the ice, inwardly reveling in my ability to keep my cool (bad pun totally intended) in front of all the guys, when suddenly R.A.O.U struck.

I was at the top of the stairwell when I was called by a guy to come down and play ice tiggy. Perhaps it was a result of my inability to retain coherent thought around cute guys, but it completely slipped my mind that I was still wearing my clunky ice skates. Big mistake. Since that day it has been the subject of many a great debates on whether I bounced, rolled or quite frankly superman’ed down those stairs. Regardless of how I managed to escape unscathed, I ended up strewn across an utter strangers lap. Face up, gazing deeply into her, understandably, shocked eyes. Awk-ward.

Extracting myself from the innocent woman, I turned around to realize I had captured the attention of all of my friends, including all the cute guys. However, being the sassy girl I am, I tried to save face by retelling the event. Unfortunately, whilst re-enacting the stunt, I fell over. Life doesn’t get much lower than when you’re sitting in a puddle of icy water, while a complete stranger laughs at your reoccurring misfortune.

What I’m trying to say is, be warned teenage girls, for if you are trying to impress boys, sooner or later R.A.O.U will strike. Speaking from experience, you really don’t want to be known as, ‘The girl who tumbled down the stairs at ice skating and fell over in a puddle when re-enacting her fall’. Don’t try to tell me I’m just a rare case of bad co-ordination, I’ve been doing Tae Kwon do for three years now. You think I could have pulled out some elaborate
ninja roll to wow everyone. Yeah nope.

Regardless of who you are, if you are older than thirteen, be careful next time you go out. I would tell you to avoid eating or walking at all costs, but the amusement you give your friends (and strangers) is worth the pain. I’m starting to get an inkling that people only go with me places, to see me do something remotely un-coordinated so they can be crippled with laughter. I don’t mind, I love the attention. I can’t wait until the holidays: we’re going ice skating again.◙

Melanie xx